I'm a Disease
That's right! Suffering from wierd pains and the need to tinkle constantly, I was diagnosed with a Kidney infection! The hospital gave me drugs, nothing happened. So when I started pissing blood I went back a little concerned. They gave me drugs and tried to force pain pills down my throat.. nothing happened. But they did give me funny looks 'cause I didn't think pain pills were candy. Talked to an outpatient doctor and BOY OH BOY! I have something exciting to tell you.

I have a Rare bacteria growing in my kidneys! Uh huh, that's right. Rare bacteria. It's almost Never seen outside of hospitals and laboratories. special. Oh, And.. It's immune to almost all antibiotics! AHAHA! Yeah. You know what that means? No? i will tell you
It's the super staph!! Super Resistant Stapphalycocus in my Kidneys!
I'm going to sell the cultures to pay for my medical bills. Anyone need any biowarefare weapons or a research project gimmie a call. Is it illegal to sell urine on ebay?

So diagnoses is I pop pills until either I go into shock from blood poisoning or I get better. Glee!